mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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