seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
