All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
