In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
