I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
