I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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