I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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