and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
