he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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