But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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