forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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