I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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