Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you will always have a special place in my vag
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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