Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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