I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
