Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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