2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
