Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
