the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
