I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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