Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
