Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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