walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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