So many bounce houses so little time
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
