You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were trust falling into bushes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
