pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
