This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher