saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
