i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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