Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it glows. i had to have it.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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