Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
