It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
