Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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