I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
