I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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