I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
