I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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