wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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