so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
