Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
