also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
