i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
