$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I forget how to act sober
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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