I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
