we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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