Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His hands were made for my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
