no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
