Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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