this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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