I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
