If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
soo... how was my night?
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