I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
