life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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