I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
