grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Send help, water and tortillas.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
