I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
