I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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