my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
