OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
